Melania Concerned That Trump Will Be Unavailable to Attend Divorce Proceedings

PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after a Georgia grand jury indicted Donald J. Trump for trying to overturn the 2020 election, Melania Trump expressed concern that her husband’s mounting court dates could make him unavailable to attend “any divorce proceedings that might come up.”

Stressing that she was speaking “totally hypothetically,” Mrs. Trump said that the former President’s blizzard of court appearances would present scheduling challenges “if someone wanted to divorce him.”

“I know that stealing documents, falsifying business records, and subverting democracy are serious matters, but should prosecuting him mean—and, again, I’m just spitballing here—that someone should have to be married to him a day longer than she can stand?” she asked. “There’s a human cost to this.”

Mrs. Trump urged the judges overseeing her husband’s multiple trials to delay them until after any divorce proceedings are concluded. “I think that be best,” she said.

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author, comedian, and creator of The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.